I stayed around and waited for Issac to appear. Although I know that he is lying to me, but i so wanted to listen to his explaination. My brain and my heart are fighting. Like angel vs devil. One is shaking me damn hard to wake…. The latter is telling me that its all normal. All guys are like that. Maybe she is new, and that he just wants to impress her for once. Eventually, he will come back to me…
Urgh!!! Its killing me!
He finally arrived. That moment the door opened and his face appear from the background, I didn’t know how i should react. Neither do i know how i should feel. I’ve been felt like this before. I just felt so tired, so hurt, maybe a bit angry, upset, happy. I don’t know.
In the car, both of us just kept quiet. He was looking straight ahead, both hands on the wheel. I just looked to my left. So many questions, the urge to open up and asked who she was.
Arrived, and we still have not spoke. I just opened the door, wanting to make a quick exit as the tears are at the brim. He pulled me back.
"I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to hurt you. I never wanted you to find out this way. If you want to know how I felt for you, the answer is I really love you. I was really happy when we were together. But…"
He loosen his grip.
"We have been together for many years. I can’t just break up with her. There are too many people that we have to answer to. It would have been very unfair to her also. She has done nothing wrong."
I know I’ve done you wrong as well. I really didn’t expect things to turn out this way. I really never expected us to progress so well. I thought you are like all the other girls."
I turned around and slapped him. It went so hard that my hand was hurting.
"Like all the other girls. What the f*** is in your bird brain? You mean you wanted me as a sex partner in the beginning? You bloody b*****d!"
I just ran. All the way up to the 11th floor. Not stopping to breathe. Not stopping to see if he is chasing after me. Not stopping because I felt like killing him.
************************************************
Right after, he tried to contact me though friends, sms, calls. I don’t want to have any contact with him again because its just not right. I still missed him so much. Thinking of him all the time, the things we’ve done before and the places we been to. Our song, constantly playing in my mind.
Its been 6 months and I still think of him. Always wondering what he could be doing. Heard from friends that they broke up soon after. Not sure what the reason was.
Constantly asking myself this…
Why is it when we first got together, there were bountiful times wheich we would bump into one another. When I was out with the girls, we would end up at the same pub. Eventhough we have not gone there before and not informing each other beforehand. Even in Orchard Road, I can stand by the road and see his car drive past while we were on the phone. We haven’t even told each other our location.
So many times, we would just coincidently bump into each other. But why not now? Why do I not get the chance to bump into him? Or to see his car drive by.
Is fate playing games with me? Or is this how fate is helping us?
All the while, i thought TV is all fictional. Things that people does in those shows were exaggerated. I would often laugh at the things they do when they are upset. Today, i finally realised that what they does are real. It happens to people in real life, which is how they bring to TV.
I can’t think. Still holding onto the breakfast, head hanging low. Not knowing where I am going or want to go. Wasn’t looking out for cars or passer-bys that may be in my way.
I thought I am his ONLY ONE. Maybe she is his neighbour, hitching a ride? Could it be his relative, staying near his place? Maybe she is just a old school mate.
Perhaps its dress-down today which is why he is not in his office wear. Or could he have taken the day off as well. Wanting to surprise me, just like I wanted to surprise him.
Yes. She must be a friend, thats all. He will be surprising me with something later and I wonder what it will be. Must be that Kermie’s bag I wanted and a candlelight dinner I’ve always mentioned about.
All of a sudden, I don’t feel that restless anymore. All I wanted was to run home, dress up and get ready. Just in case he turns up, I will be ready any minute.
Lying in bed, pillow covering my face. Almost suffocating myself. Not from the pillow but by my emotion and tears. The day is almost over and he still have not called. Called him but no answer. Text-ed him but no reply. This has never happened before. He never missed my calls and not call back by an hour. He always replies my sms-es.
beep beep - 1 new message
Clare - hey, we’re at Butterfly. If you are done with your lovey-dovey stuff, come look for us. Room 16.
I had to get out of the house. My emotions are killing me. Images from this morning keep repeating in my mind. The "player" never seem to stop. The conversation that I had with Issac keeps lingering in my ear.
***********************************
Walking up the tiny spiral staircase. Hope I’ll be able to drink my blues away, knowing I will not be able to fall asleep if I’m not drunk. Heard steps, people are walking down. Looked up so that we will not be each other’s way.
The 3 of us exchange eye contact.
She was smiling at me as I got out of their way. Holding onto her hand was Issac. I was staring at them. My brain, unable to process the scene I just saw. He stood there for a second, not doing anything. She tugged his hand a bit to continue walking down.
I just stood there, looking as their back-view disappear behind the door. Before the door closes, Issac turned and took a look at me. Eyes seem to fill with guilt. Or is it fear. Or is he looking at how pathetic and stupid I was.
Wanting to continue walking up the stairs but I can’t. My knees were weak. I stumbled onto the steps clumsily. As I sat there, I couldn’t care about my image anymore. I wanted to cry. Cry with all my might. It hurts so much. So much so, its like a knife cutting through my heart. My head was spinning, I can’t breathe.
When I woke up, there were like 6 faces staring at me.
"Wei, what happened to you la? Why you fainted on the steps. Your pose so nice so more. Sitting on the step, arm stretch out wor."
"You quarrel with Issac ah? Think he tried to call you lor. Then you never picked up so he called June. He say he will be coming down now because she told him you fainted on the steps. He asked us not to let you go off wor. Must keep you here till he comes."
I don’t feel like seeing him anymore. The thought of them walking off makes me puke. It can take ages to love someone but when the love turns to hatred, it can be instantaneous.
10 minutes ago, I was shaking from hurt. Now, I’m shaking from hatred.
The rest of the night was spent in each other’s arm. The place, crowded with people as it seems, we had each other only.
He sent me back straight after the party has ended.
beep beep - 1 new message
" rest early and have ur beauty slp soon. will pick u up for lunch tmr. muackz…"
With that sms, its the beginning of our courtship. Everything was so sweet and simple. He would meet me for lunch everyday and that every Friday and Saturday night would be spent with me partying.
Eventually, I started spending weekends over his place. We would snuggle in bed, watch dvds rather then going out. I thought things were heading somewhere. He would show me his everything. Including his wallet and handphone.
Gradually, I realised something seems strange. He never seem to be free to pick me to and fro work. Although weekends are spent together but he will always send me home before dinner time on Sunday.
Guess I shouldn’t be too paranoid. Don’t go think too much into the details….
February 14th. V Day….
Took leave for that day. Wanted to spend a lovely day with Issac. Wanted to surprise him with an "ai xin bian dang". Woke up at 6am to prepare breakfast. Hope that he will be able to see it, first thing when he open his eyes.
"How sweet can that be"
Was walking to his place when I saw his car turning out of the corner of the carpark. Quicken my steps, wanting to jump in front of his car. Hoping that it would be a pleasant surprise having someone jump in front of his car in the morning.
Standing at the side of the kerb, looking through the windscreen. There’s someone sitting at the passenger seat. A lady. Someone whom I’ve never seen before.
"Hi Issac. Where are you?"
"I’m on my way to work. Driving now. Wassup?"
"Just wondering where you are. Are you alone now? Can pick me up for work today?
"Sorry, unable to. Rushing to the office for a meeting."
"Are you alone now or with someone?"
"Alone ah. Why? Anyway, I’m not using bluetooth. Call you later."
Nothing was running through my mind but somehow my hands are shaking. Tears rolled uncontrollably. He can’t be going to work cause he is not in office wear. He is not alone. Who is she?
"You know of the new place called Butterfly at St Jones Gas Station? Its like the next big thing now. Wana check it out tomorrow? Go early la. See can get table anot."
"Ok. I try to get table la. Call my friends. See if there’s anyone that can help get a table."
"So confirm ah. I’ll sms the rest of the girls to meet outside the place. 10pm. Don’t rubber band ah!"
Its Saturday and this new place is packed with people. Managed to get in without having to queue. This is the advantage of having pretty friends like June who has a spider-web network everywhere. Although we could have done better with the table but its better than doing without one.
The music and live band was blaring my ear drums apart. Its so packed that everyone was rubbing shoulders with the person beside.
Aiyo, so sticky la. Why these people have to perspire til lydat. Cannot, muz drink til high if not cannot tahan.
Was shaking my fat bom bom when i stopped and turned for my drink and cigarette.
He is standing behind me.
Kaoz. Why didn’t June tell me that he is joining us. How long has he been standing there? Did he like see all the nauseating movements. Aiyo. Pai seh sia!!
"Hello!" I managed to scream into his ear.
"Just reach ah?" Please say yes!!!
"Ya."
"Thank God!" Phew!!
Everyone was just having fun, dancing, drinking and getting wasted.
Somehow, somewhere into the night, I fnd us getting closer and closer. Physically. No matter where we stand, whatever movements made, there will be some form of physically contact. Maybe i was thinking too much. Over-reaction.
Had to go to the ladies. Asked Clare and June if they wana accompany me to squeeze through the crowd. They gave me up for guys whom they were with.
Okay, some form of sisterhood you call this!!!
"I accompany you?"
He held my hand and pulled me into the crowd.
Was smiling to myself as i sat on the toilet bowl. Got chance liaoz… heez….
He was already standing outside when i came out. He stretched his arm out, reaching for mine. A drunk moron (or my guardian angel) had to bang into me (so drama).
Had to lose my balance at that point of time to fall straight into him.
Die… Issey… Weak knees… spinning…
Looked up at him. 3 millions things running through my mind now.
"OK, NOW PLEASE!!!" I told myself.
He tilted him head. I stretched my neck upwards. His arms round my waist. Mine round his neck. Pulling me closer and tighter towards him.
Should i tip-toe? He’s like a bit tall and my neck is aching! Where’s the tongue? Mouth damn wet, yucks, but whatever! Should i play with his hair? Or should my hands just stay put? Is he thinking as many things as me now?
Many nights passed and I still didn’t see him at the same pub.
"Duno if he is a regular here hor? Impossible I come every night also don’t see him de ma?" I asked Clare while sipping Martell green tea off the rock glass.
"Aiya, if he is meant to be the one he will appear de lor. Don’t be so desperate can anot?"
Its not that I’m really desperate for a guy but it will be nice to be able to see him again….
Went to the game station to waste some time. Its too boring sitting there, staring at the door, waiting in disappointment.
OMG… Is that him? At our table? That back view!
I basically stood there, not moving an inch for the next 30 secs. Not really sure what I was waiting for. Perhaps I was waiting for him to turn around or something.
Went back to the table and was sitting opposite to him. Its him alright. My spine froze for that second our eyes met. He planted a weak smile on his face to acknowlege my presence or "intrusion", whatever you wana call it.
It was rather uncomfortable for me to be seated with him at the same table. Think he felt it. He quickly ended his conversation with June and walked off.
"Oei, who is he? Your friend ah? What’s his name? How come you don’t ask him to join us?"
"Wah, so excited? You like him ah?"
Okay, I’m bombarding June with a million and one question within 1 minute…
"His name is Issac. Neighbours la. But have not seen him for a long time le. Why huh? Like him isit? I intro to you guys la. Ai mai?"
"Ai la. Faster faster!"
Got June to ask him over and introduce him to me. Have to start somewhere. Rather than choosing another time, why not tonight. Especially since I’m still sober.
*June is the female party animal of the group. She has so many friends and an unlimited number of suitors. Pretty, sexy and fun.
Created chances for interaction by getting all to play silly group games. Everything seems good and in control at this point of time. He looks comfortable having us around. Maybe its because June was around.
…He didn’t leave our table the entire night…
Now, time for the poor thing… Those that thought they were so loved and wanted…. The unknowing parties…
The same usual scenerio. Boy meets girl and become friends. Doesn’t all relationship started out this way. Well, there are a few that are different. They started out as buckering buddies. What can i say? Same same la.
Not sure if this applies only to me but usually the unknowing party is always someone we know from nightspots. Is it because it is these places that we can hook people up easily or that its easier to get contact numbers when uncle alcohol is at work. Or that the music just make you a sad person. Especially when you hear certain songs.
"Call me! Call me! Baby, baby call me now"
Retro and you will start thinking of that someone whom you spend so many mambo jambo nights with.
*************************
Just another drinking night at some KTV pub. Only difference was that its William birthday. He is the party animal in the group. Irregardless who’s birthday it was, he is always the one getting drunk. He chose a different place today. Said he was bored of the place that we always goes to. Wana change a new place for a new feel.
New place feels good though. Basically, as long as the place has sofa seats for us, its good!! We don’t even care if the place is crowded or whether the crowd is good. We can self-entertain ourselves in a certain aspect.
After I don’t know how many glasses of whatever liquid down my throat, suddenly heard him singing.
"我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使"
Looked around trying to find who was singing. Crossed my fingers that its not another fat and bald guy who possess a damn good voice….
We were seated right in front and don’t have a good view of those sitting behind.
Tug Clare’s arm and pulled her as i drag my fat ass off the seat I’ve been on for the past 2 hrs.
"Oei, siao ah!! Where you pulling me to?"
Clare was basically screaming at the top of her voice as I nearly made her tripped over the side of the sofa.
Pulled her tighter to my side and gave her "that" look. We are so close that she knows my every movement or the hidden meanings behind them. She "on" her scanner and started looking around.
(In the bathroom)
"Did you see the guy singing just now? I think he looks good lor. I mean, my type you know? That kind of dressing, his hair… Kaoz, looks delicious enough to have him raw."
"Cute mei? I think so-so only lor. As always, we never like the same kind of guy so you’ll never hear me say he is cute."
Had to catch another glimpse to him as I walk back to the table. Think he noticed that I was staring at him. Had to act as though I was just looking at his direction.
"OMG, think my heart was racing til its going to explode"
Subconsciously, I started behaving a bit demure yet making sure we created enough noise for him to turn to look towards our direction.
YESssssssssss!!! Think to blow the candles. Its my only chance for the night. You know some people just loves playing with cakes!!! The guys were wiping the cream off the cake and chasing after the gals as well as the birthday boy.
I just have to run pass him, smile and accidentally bang into him somewhere along the way. (so passe but at that point of time, erm, its the only thing that i can think off…. Haha… come to think about it… moron…!!!)
Guess what, I still didn’t get his number or name after that night. Seriously, its a little waste of time. Acting, pretending to be someone else. Demure?? So not me. Fall and trip, bang into him? Never!!! I’ll kill the bloody bugger who manage to place cream on my face.
Well, forget it. There will be more guys coming along the way….
Who knows…………
(be patient if you wana find out more… tsk tsk ….)
—> 2 is a party. 3 is a crowd <—
Have you ever been the number 3 with someone? You may have been made one knowing or unknowingly.
We’ll start with the knowingly part .
Being a friend, he always seem so nice. You often sit there wondering what it would be like being his gal. You may not have seen the girlfriend, or he may be your friend’s guy. But you really can’t be bothered about this. It just feels good to be with him. He make you laugh, knows what you like. He can order food for you, without having to ask you and it always suits your taste. Everything done with him seems so fun and entertaining. Everything he says interest you. All of a sudden, 22 guys chasing after a ball is the best sport in the world.
You became the other half. Or to say, mathematically, the 1/3. Right from the start, you keep telling yourself that it is ok not to own him entirely. As long as you are part of him. As long as he spends time with you. In the beginning, you see the effort that he puts in. He would text you once he wakes up, while on his way to work, during work. Meet you after work for dinner, shopping, movies, clubbing. Just you and him. He will bring you out when he is out with the "boys". Time with him and alcohol is always the best. Snuggling at the corner, fondling, kisses, hugs, dirty dancing. Can’t take your eyes (& hands) off each other.
He just can’t be with you during the weekends. Its doesn’t bother you much especially when you’ve told yourself that as long as he made effort to meet you during the week is good enough. Plus there are 5 working days in a week.
There may even be times when number 1 calls and you are just right beside him. You hear the lies he says.
"Hello darling."
"Yeap. Having dinner with the guys lor. We’ll be going clubbing later so don’t wait up for me. Love you. Bye!"
Other time, he may have to leave you cause she wants to meet him for dinner instead. He would ask for your opinion whether you are ok with going home otherwise he will turn her down. Knowing very well that you have to play the good guy once in a while, you urge him to send you home although he kinda decided to wana spend the time with you instead.
Finally, sex. You thought that things would still be the same. Sad to say, its not. You wanted more. You want committment, future, ownership, sense of belonging. He can’t give you more than companionship. In the beginning, you are ok with her calling when you guys are together. But now, you start wondering to yourself whether this is right and start throwing tantrums at him.
Imagine halfway thought sex, she calls. He can’t missed her calls otherwise she will suspect. He is still "in" you when he picked up the call.
"Hello darling. Yeap, in bed le. Going to sleep le lor. So tired. Long day at work. You sleep early too. Love you."
While talking, his fingers were still all over you. It could be that he hopes to distract you so that you won’t really pay attention to the whole conversation or he is trying to pacify you for picking up the call midway through.
Eventually, you bring up the topic to him. You want to be his only one. He can’t. He starts to distant himself from you because he knows now you wanted more than companionship. You wanted something that he can never give.
The question of hanging on or not keeps lingering in your mind. You really want to be with him and can’t afford to lose him. Yet you can’t convince yourself that this is right and that maybe hanging on for a while more may lead to something else. You just have to be patient. Friends around you can see that you are suffering. You are no longer happy with him, Whenever you guys meet up, it will either end with an argument or just pure sex. Its no longer making love.
Or, it could be that he is also suffering. He loves you just as much as you love him. However, he is with her for many years. Their family knows one another and that giving her up is not as simple as just saying good-bye. There are alot that he has to consider and many people whom he has to answer to. What can he do? Who can help him?
He will also have to weigh the risk that he will be taking. Being with number 1 for so long, everything just becomes a habit. He is so used to things that they do or things that the are supposed to do. He knows her likes and dislike, strength and weaknesses. Will you side by his side til death do you part? Will you guys still remain the same and be happy ever after?
What will you do eventually? To hold or to let go?
What reason will you tell yourself for each decision that you make? Will the heart be controlling the head or the other way round? What if the result turns out otherwise? Who do you blame? Or what will you say to console yourself?
once again, aunt agony is out on the move again… (your friendly neighbourhood superhero ya) keke… not as swift as before because of the extra pounds… but still so efficient and effective… keke…
"extracted" from a life story. Eh, better not say this. Should be "story fiction, any similarity is just coincidence!!"… what the heck… anyway, here’s how it goes.
boy meets gal2 in a pub. G2 is a waitress there. B was actually in a rock n roll relationship with gal1. B and G2 became friends after a while. G2 got to know about G1 but still went ahead and made the first move.
At first, B was not really into getting into another relationship as he is still unsure of the outcome between himself and G1. does not wish to get himself involved with too many people or worst to hurt either party if he decides to be emotionally involved with G2 as well.
As the story goes, usually the new "toilet bowl" gets the chance to be used. In the beginning, like every fairy tale, its sweet and delicious. Perhaps due to her young age, it became a rollercoaster ride.
God-siblings starts to come in their picture. She is always out with the "god-brother" (GB). When she can’t be contacted, she would claim that she is at the god-sis’s (GS) place. It is difficult communicating as they are always quarrelling and the topic just evolves around her bro and sis. It never did bother her that it annoys him. Instead the increase frequency of quarrels increase the frequencys of her outing with them. (anw, the god-bro is the ex. the drums pls…) If there are in the same pub, G2 will always stick to the GB. At times, playing around flirtatiously. (If you were B, can tahan anot? pengz)
Once, G2 called B asking him if he is free to bring her into a club (17 only). He was partying elsewhere with his friends. Made the trip down to the place and brought her in. After he brought her in, she just told him he can go back to his friens and went straight to her god-bro. She didn’t even ask if he wanted to join them.
Many a times, friends call B to tell him that they saw G2 in pubs behaving very closely with another guy. B knows that G2 was with the GB.
Then came the last straw. Friend called and told B that he saw G2 with GB @ Geylang. Where exactly is no longer an issue. He called her wanting to confront her for the very last time. He can no longer take such nonsense from her. At least a million calls were made. She didn’t pick up.
She finally called. Said she was watching in the movie with her GS. (this has always been the all time best excuse in history. never fails to be used although it never seem to work) She then called B again telling him that she is waiting at his place and that she really misses him and would like to see him.
He didn’t really rush back as he was with his friends. However, he did make his way home 1 hour later. She wasn’t there. It was 1+ in the morning. He called. Again no answer.
He then went round his estate, thinking that she might have went walking around. Still no answer on her mobile. Still no sight of her. He waited till the early morning before calling her sister to see if she is home. Told the sister what happened. The sister suggested going over to the GB’s place to take a look. They went together.
She knocked on the door. The GB’s mum open the door. The sis went straight for the door. B standing right outside stared right at the door. She was there on the bed. How heart-breaking can this be?
Back to the topic —-? wHat kinD oF feeLinG iS thiS? As outsiders, we would have thought that B is really stupid. Right from the beginning, he should be able to sense that her world does not revolve just around him. Definitely, he is not the only guy in her world. He should also be able to tell that this relationship will not last. But why hang on?
To me, the only explaination is the idea of not possessing something. If they were in a normal relationship. No arguments over 3rd party and that everything was smooth sailing, perhaps the feeling of possessing will not be that strong. However, imagine being in a relationship but yet the other person, be it physically or emotionally, does not fully belong to you. The feeling of "ownership" will tend to be stronger. You will put in more effort to get back whatever that you deem as yours.
Otherwise, could it be the feeling of winning or losing this tug-of-war? You have never lost in the BGR battle before and will not make this the first or last. The red ribbon at the centre of the rope seem to be crossing over the line at your end. So near yet so far! When things were sweet and rosy, the ribbon is on your side. When you can’t find her or realised that things were not the way it seems to be, the ribbon will be on the other end.
Is love just about winning and possessing. Or like what the experts says —> If you love that someone, all you want is for them to be happy. When they are happy, so will you.
Have really no one that i can turn to. Suddenly remembered that there is still this blogging thingy around. Yessss…. Something i can turn to…. To pour my sorrows and dump all the compaints.
What are colleagues for? Why are the culture so different in different companies? (have already answered my own question though. DIFFERENT company ma, of course different la).
Anyway, what i mean is like… Ain’t colleagues supposed to help each other? They are those that you spend 8 hours with. We basically spend more time with them compared to our family. Yet, i just received a toopid call from a toopid man. He actually sides the outsiders. Saying that as service provider, they will definitely fill us in with informations. Will not hide such information from us. It like "what the f***". Since when service providers gives us all informations?
Then he starts blahhing about last time.
"Last time ah, we don’t do things lydat la".
Like they said it, its last time. We are talking about now. And now means that things are to be done not like the past. Why can’t they just get over the "last time" and get on with life.
Haiz…. Why am i still here? Love for the job? Not really! Love the money? Definitely not!
Have not worked in a lot of companies but felt that I’ve seen enough of different kind of people. Maybe because of the industry or field that i was in for the past 5 years that i felt I’ve seen enough.
Thought I’ll be able to handle all sort of people in different situation. Being there, done that. Never failed myself before in this aspect.
Changed a new job. Being on the safe side, kept a very low profile. You never know who is friend or foe. Its a battle field out there. A step out of your seat and you never know when you’ll step on a landmine. The safest place will be my 4 x 4.
After a week or 2, colleagues will start asking you out for lunch. By now, should more or less know who can be the lunching khakis or hi-bye acquaintances. Will let down my guard a bit. 1 or 2 closer friends.
Into a month or 2, will also start gossiping with that 1 or 2 closer "friends". They’ve being upgraded to friends, no longer colleagues.
Somewhere along the line, felt that she may not be the kind person I thought she was. Can’t really tell in the beginning what exactly was it about her. As time goes by, realised that she wasn’t as trustworthy after all. Just like all of them, she is just another landmine. And a bloody cunning one.
Thought it will take me a little longer to find out what she is up to. But I’ll never expect that the "person" that helped me was the one that invented email.
Can you imagine someone sending you an email, bad-mouthing you. Thats how silly someone can be and how terrific technology can be. Thereafter, realised it and started sending sms-es instead. Trying to salvage the situation, asking me if I was free on Xmas to celebrate. Acting as though she doesn’t know that she sent out the wrong email.
I’m just being polite not asking her what she meant in the email but it doesn’t mean that i wasn’t affected by it.
My boss will be leaving the company soon. OMG!!! That makes me directly under her till we find a replacement. That is if she doesn’t kill me before the new manager comes in.
The only question I have is why is she doing all these. Is it because she is afraid that I might b a threat to her? Or afraid that I might steal that "rumoured" boy-bf of hers?
Just happened to be watching this HK serial which shows 2 gals fighting out in the office and using tactically methods sabo-ing the other party. Do I have to resort to this?
Is this revenge going to be sweet? victorious??
