Sitting alone at the departure hall, I am not sure if I really wanted this trip as much. All of a sudden, all feelings for Kenji seemed to have died. Recalling all incidents that happened over the past 3 days, I feel like killing myself for being so stupid to have believed and waited wholeheartedly.

Kenji left for Bangkok on Monday morning when he should have left on Wednesday. He never mentioned about the change of date until he was on the plane. If I had not made that call to him, I wouldn’t even have known.

Once again, calls went unanswered and unreturned. Whenever he answered, the background was always so noisy. Yet, somewhere in the background, I could hear a female voice.

“Why do I hear a woman’s voice? I thought only the boys were there?”

“Ya, all boys. Tommy’s thai girlfriend.”

I knew he was lying. She was talking in a mixture of singlish and hokkien. I heard someone call out her name. A name so familiar in his handphone. A name whom would text him in the middle of the night. To confirm my doubt, I called her number from a public phone. Hers was also on a foreign ringtone. I called a couple of times to confirm that she wasn’t in Malaysia. For the last time, i pretended to call and look for another name. The background was quiet. She picked up. I heard his voice at the background, talking on the phone. I called him and I was on ‘waiting’.

“Hey, are you at the airport already?”

“Yeap. How about you?”

“Me too. I am sending them off. They are catching the 12pm flight back.”

Such coincidence that all of us are travelling at the same time? Was it on purpose so that we would not meet one another?

We didn’t speak in the cab. My mind is in a mess. I don’t know what we should talk about. I don’t know if I should ask him about her. I don’t know if I should pretend and ignore.

Instead of checking into a hotel, we were straight for lunch.

“Why do we check in first instead of carrying our bags around?”

“We can always do that later. I am hungry. “

“Which hotel are we staying?”

“I don’t know. Will just go look for one later.”

We still have not spoke except for that short conversation.

We came to this back alley and we went in to get a room. Looking more like a motel, I asked Kenji to go to another place.

“Why are we staying in such a place? It doesn’t cost much more to go to a better place. This place looks so rundown.”

“This place is not bad. Why be so difficult?”

Difficult? This place is horrendous. Can’t I choose a better place since its my birthday?”

In the room, I almost went crazy. The tap was dripping water. I can hear the woman screaming next door.

He just went straight to the shower, avoiding any topic or conversation that I might bring up. He came out of the shower, with clothes.

“Why are you wearing a t-shirt? I thought you never wear clothes after your shower?”

“Whats the problem? Can’t I have the freedom to wear a t-shirt?”

The remaining few days were spent quietly. We spoke only when necessary. I feel no love or emotions from him. Often, he would asked me to go buy things for him. Alone, I would walk around, getting myself a beer and finishing it before going back to the room. Knowing I will not be able to get into the room if I returned too quickly. He would latch the door and would not open till a while later. I could hear him talking behind the door. Often, he would lie that he was in the bathroom.

On the last night, I was quite happy as we will be catching the morning flight back to Singapore. I wish he could get out of sight immediately. I wanted so much to collect all my things from his house and never see him again. Sitting outside 7-11, with a bottle of beer in hand. Paying no attention to all happenings.

“Hey lady, room service how much?”

A big black man, looking high on alcohol approaching me. I got up from where I was and wanted to race back. He jumped in front, blocking my way. The alley was dimly lighted. Chill race down my spine. I stood there, froze. He stretched his arm towards me. I raced as fast as my legs could carry me. I dare not look back, afraid that he might be an inch off me.

Panting and shaking, Kenji did not even bothered to asked me what had happened.

Even if I were a stranger, I deserve more concern than this!

Enraged with anger, I went up to him.

“Are you having another woman? Why are you treating me like this?”

“Why are you acting like a crazy woman again?”

My right hand swing towards him, wanting so much to plant a slap on his face. He managed to avoid me and push me onto the floor. Choking me with his left hand, a punch landed on my cheek bone.

He got up and walked away. Not knowing the exact thing to do, I jump onto him and started swinging blows at him, pulling his hair, slapping with all my might. I got slammed onto the floor again, this time pulling him along. His t-shirt tore. There were love bites all over his body.

“You crazy bitch!”

Kenji left.

I just laid there but I wasn’t crying. Not sure if its because of anger that has overcome the betrayal. Scenes of us exchanging blows and screaming kept flashing repeatedly, stopping at when I saw the love bites on him. I could hardly open my right eye.

Packing my bag, the tears flowed uncontrollably. Angry and upset with myself for being an idiot, upset for spending and wasted so much time on such a guy.

Happy Birthday, I whispered to myself. Closing the door behind me, turning back to take one last look of the room. To remind myself that this will be the first and last time we fight, fought and fighting.

Being with Kenji was no honeymoon, neither was it a roller coaster. He is so caught up with his business that I feel he wasn’t spending enough time with me. The only time we had were those spent sorting out his documents and accounts together.

Gone were the days whereby he would pick me up from school or work. Sundays were spent at home clearing all his paperwork and backlogs.

To make up for this, he always made it a point to bring me for long trips at least once a year.

14 days out of 365 is no big number.

The relationship got stagnant but his business grew rapidly. Soon, there were no more single dates for us. His friends will be there wherever we were. Movies, dinners, clubbing. They were everywhere. Although having a big group seems fun, but I wish for those quiet moments whereby i can just lay beside him and daydream.

Money were spent carelessly on them. He footed the bills for all that came along with the fun. With me nagging him about the spending as well as the friends that were buzzing around him, strained the relationship further.

Soon, trips were planned without him even discussing or notifying. He would only tell me 1 day before departure. He knew that there is nothing I can do, other than flaring up.

“Do you realise that we are drifting apart? We don’t seem to have that chemistry anymore.”

“Don’t think too much. I know you don’t like me spending too much time with my friends. But I need my space too. I think you should go out and spend some time with your friends as well. There is no need for you to join us all the time.”

“FRIENDS? Because of helping you in your business, i have neglected all friends of mine. Where am I supposed to find 1 now that you don’t wish to have me when you are with your friends?”

“You can always call them up. If 1 of them can’t make it, I am sure that are bound to be others that will be free. Can you not make make a mountain out of a mole hill?”

The door slammed shut right at my face.

Days without Kenji increased. Missed calls went unreturned. Deep down, I know its time I let go but yet my heart is not ringing the same tone. Seeing me this way, Kenji was sure that I would never leave him.

He never had associates that were girls so there never were thoughts of him betraying me. I managed to convince myself, like what all his friends were telling me, that I was too sticky. I should give him his freedom.  

I stop calling him all the time, stop myself from asking him out unless if he wants to, stop going over to his place unless if its Sunday.

He started getting calls at the most usually time. Otherwise, he would walk away whenever a private number calls.

“Hey, your birthday is this coming Saturday. How do you want to spend it? I will be going to Bangkok with the boys on Wednesday. Can you come over yourself on Saturday.”

I was ecstatic. I thought he would have forgot all about it.

“Ok. I will buy the tickets and can you please extend the hotels rooms you guys are staying.”

“No need to extend. I am sure we can get the rooms when you arrive. We can go choose the rooms there and then. “

“What if the rooms are fully booked. We will be stranded.”

“Can you stop being paranoid?”

There he goes again. Walking away whenever we have a conversation gone wrong.

Its so strange coming to a foreign land with Kenji.

We check-in straight from the airport. Placed down our luggage when he suggested we take a nap before going anywhere.

Rest?? There is only 1 bed. What if he make any advances? Am I supposed to give in or I should stop him?

“I think I’ll take a shower first.”

Shower? Is he going to come out of the shower, wearing nothing but just a towel wrap around, walking slowly, around me.. then strip… I can’t help but laugh at my imagination. What the heck. He is a gentleman. YES!!

As we lie in bed, he on my right, I have this urge to climb on top of him… Cling onto him like a koala… and snuggle like a baby… 

After 10 minutes, as i lie there waiting and anticipating his moves.. He didn’t. I was like “Hello, are you gay or am I so unattractive?”. But there i was 30 minutes ago, worrying about him making his moves. What is the problem with me…!!

Pretending to fall asleep, i turned towards him. Placing my  left leg and arm over him.. I waited. I peeped with my left eye. He was staring straight at me.

“I thought you were asleep?”

“Erm, I was…But NOW I am awake.”

He gave a weak smile and stretched his left arm to go under my neck. Pulling me towards him as he plant a kiss on my forehead.

It feels so good in his arms.

*************************************************

“Shall we go drinking tonight since we will be going back tomorrow? I don’t think you will want to wake early tomorrow. It will be a shame if we did not visit the club here.”

“Alrighty”

****************************************

Dressed to kill, I know he will be so smitten that he will fall head over heels for me…

“Wow, you look good.. Who are you trying to seduce? Me? Haha”

Stretchin out his left hand and reaching for mine. He tug gently as i swing towards him, turning 2 circles, allowing the dress to fly to mid air. Just like how they does in the movies.  

“Ok, my dear. Are we ready to kill more men with your killer dress?”

“But of course!!”

**********************************

Kept telling myself that I should not be drinking too much. Will be embarrassing if I have to puke in front of him. 

The ride back to the hotel seems to be the longest 10 minutes in my life. Controlling hard not to throw up in the cab. Walking across the main lobby, I have no control of my legs. My head is spinning. I am floating in mid air.

As the lift door opened, Kenji dashed out wanting to open the room door quickly as i followed behind. 5 steps out of the lift, I tripped. Landing on my fours, I think I look rather hilarious.

I just sat there, not knowing what I should do now. With embarrassment written all over my face, Kenji ran towards me and held me up.

“Hey, baby. Are you ok? Did you hurt yourself?”

Not answering, I placed my hands on the back of his neck and pulled him towards me. Kissing him hard on his lips, he returned with hot and wet kisses. As we kissed and circled back to the room, I wish that this moment was forever. Not sure if it was the cocktail but he tasted so sweet.

As the door shuts behind us, we struggled with the clothings on us.. Hands all over each other, lips locked. My heels took forever. As he lets go to help me with my shoes, my kisses were all over him. From his face to his lips and neck.

We jump into bed like 2 carnivore ready to devore on its prey.

He started kissing me from my neck, moving downwards to my left brest. I can feel him as he presses his between on my legs…

**ladies and gentlemen, this is the interesting part but i should not continue further in case i get ban from this website. Please use your imagination from here. Cheers!**

It was the first time I took a plane. Not wanting to embarrassed myself, I tried to remain quiet throughout the flight.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"Erm, anything."

"I don’t think they serve anything." (grinning)

"Not funny. Coke."

"Good Morning Mdm. What would you like for lunch? We have chicken spagetti and Hong Kong style fried rice."

"Spagetti please."

"Ok, here you go. Please lift up your tray."

"HUH!"

Dammit. Tray. What tray. Oh, the thing in front. So, how do I use it? SHIT!!!!!!!

"Come, let me help you."

OMG. I am so embarassed. He must be thinking that I am such a nerd.

(in the ladies)

Holy shit. How the hell do I on the tap. Why do they have to make things that is so difficult to use. The door, tap, flush, paper. Oh, this flight is killing me. Thank god he is not here to withness all these. Otherwise, I would have buried my head under ground like an ostrich.

"Excuse me Madam. Are you okay inside? Do you need help?"

"Erm, yes. Coming out soon."

I don’t know how long I’ve been in the toilet but the knock came with me finding the darn tap.

Oh mine, there was such a queue.   

Finally, my ugony ended. After 4 longs hours, sweet music to my ears.

"Good Evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. ………… We will be reaching Hong Kong in 15 minutes. The weather………."

I can hear myself singing…….

"Hi Sara, Kenji here"

"Oh hi. Surprised to here hear from you!"

"Was interrupted during our last conversation. Thought I’ll give you a call. Erm, free to meet up?

"Ok, should be fine. When and where?"

"How about tonight? Meet for dinner and maybe coffee is time permits?"

"I can’t. I’ve got school. Unless you want to meet me after school?"

"Ok. Text me the place and time to pick you."

"Alrighty. Cya."

                   ********************************************

There was no adrenalin between us at that point of time but he did prove his existence with his patience and persistence.

He started his own business not too long ago. Having to handle all matters on himself, he really does not have a lot of free time. Yet, he always make sure that he picks me up from work and Sunday will be spend with me, doing whatever I want.

Days, weeks and months passed. I still have not given him a reply as to whether we were an item or not. He never forced a answer from me nor insisted on one.

10 months have gone by. Thought that its about time to let him know my feelings. I’ve developed feelings for him over this period but as I’m still in contact with Ethan, I feel that it is not right to be with Kenji till I’ve sorted things out.

                          ******************************************

Text him my thoughts one morning.

(On my mobile) "Hey, need you to take leave for the next 3 days."

(his) "What for?"

(his) "I’ve booked a tour to Hong Kong. 4 days."

(mine) "So suddenly!"

"Yes! Unless you don’t wish to."

My inner voice was screaming. YES!!!!!!!!.

Trying to control the tone. "Well, I’ll try. Let me ask my boss first."

Many friends and relatives were not told of our break up. Have no intention of broadcasting this to all. Instead, we chose to stop showing up together and hope everyone will start feeling the distance.

"Hey, Tommy here. Watcha doing? Busy?"

"Not really. At work lor. Wassup?"

"Free on the 11th of next month?"

"Erm, what day? Should be ba, if it is on a weekend."

"I’m getting married. Can help?"

"Married? To who sia? Since when did you meet someone marry-able"

"Pai seh la… Shotgun lei…"

"Oops. More often, raw is not war huh…Haha! Ok ba. Let me know what you need me to do."

"Can you ask Ethan for me as well? I need him to be my brudder lei."

"Call him yourself la!"

"Walau, your boy ma. Help me to call k."

This is what I mean when we can’t have a clean cut relationship. People whom we have not met for a long time will still think that we are together. We are still made to do things as a couple. Not that I hated seeing Ethan, but this is just not right. Both of us will be denied of the chance to meet new people through mutual friends.

        *******************************************************************

"Hey, handsome boy. You look good today. Thats why they always say. The bride and groom looks best on their big day."

"Sista, thanks for being here so early huh. Really need you to be running around today. Can you go talk to my mum about later? Get her to walk you through the procedures and timing so that I will not miss out anything. Also, can you take my friend’s car later? He will be holding onto all of my things so I need you guys to coordinate things"

"Friend? Who friend?"

"Oh, he’s Kenji. Nice guy. Anyway, your pattern won’t be paiseh de hor? He’s not here yet but"

This was the first that I’ve heard of him. 

Rest of the day was spent running around for Tommy. In and out of the car, house, flash lights, racing with time.

Kenji and I didn’t talk much although we were in the car most of the time. Not sure if its because he was shy or that he is not comfortable talking to someone new. Maybe its because I was not attractive enough.

Didn’t pay much attention to him either. He was just another passer-by. Nothing fascinating about him. Nothing to leave a deep impression.

                    **************************************************

Second time we meet was Tommy’s baby shower.

I didn’t even recognise him when I saw him. It was when he smiled at me then did I had a slight recollection of who he was.

"Hi. Remember me?"

"Erm, familiar." (weak smile)

"I was the one driving you around during Tommy’s wedding. I’m Kenji."

"OooooooHhhhhhh…………. Yes. Sorry, bad memory."

Kenji> "So, how have…."

"Eh, you want me to take something for you to eat?"

Ethan pop out of nowhere disrupting the conversation.

This was our second meet up.

She was a pretty little thing. The first time I saw her at his working place, I was overwhelm by some feeling. Some feeling that I’ve never felt before. A sense of fear. Or perhaps insecurity.

She’s pretty!

"Who is she? Quite pretty hor"

"Oh, just a colleague lor. She is from HR. Why?"

"Nothing much. Saw you talking to her so wondering who she was. You just started work. How come so close to her? Its just your first week though"

"She was the one that gave me my orientation here. Then we went for lunch on the first day. Aiya, nothing one la. You jealous ah? Erm, you should be la… Your dear dear me, so cute and handsome. Who can resist?"

Although he made it sound so assuring, it did not feel the same in me. Rather, the feeling was quite worrying. I can’t help but wants to learn more about her. Just hope that she will not become m fear in reality.

I was sent to China for a business trip. Hated travelling oversea. Tons of report when I’m back. Using my personal time when travelling and flights can kill. It was supposed be a 3 days trip but due to some factor, it has to be extended by a week.

It was Ethan’s birthday and I can’t rush back to celebrate with him. He doesn’t have much friends. Really don’t wish he end up celebrating it himself.

"Hi dear. Hey, i still can’t go back to Sin. Something cropped up and I have to stay for another day or two. So, what are you doing to do today?

"Oh, my colleagues wants to celebrate my birthday for me. They wanted to meet you as well. But since you can’t make it back, I just meet them myself."

"Where will you be going? Is Sherlene going as well?

"I think so. I’m not too sure though. I wasn’t the one that organised the gathering. Samuel did. Haiya, why so concerned over her. You kept talking about her you know! Anyway, I’m late le. I’ll sms you when back. You go rest early ya."

I couldn’t sleep. Image of the party was flashing. I can see them dancing and drinking happily. Argh!!!!! Its driving me crazy. I so wish to call and find out more. I wish I was there. I wish………

             *************************************************************

"So, how was the party last night? You didn’t text me when you were back. Did you go home or not?" (with a faint smile)

"I was drunk."

"Ok. Is that all you are going to say? "What do you want to know?" "Well, at least you can start with who was there and where you went. What did you have that made you so drunk. That’s a lot you can say you know."

Whispering to myself. "Unless there are things you don’t wish for me to know!"

"We went Bala. Nothing much, just beer. The guys were pratically forcing drinks down my throat. Bound to get drunk."

"How you drive back?"

"Sherlene was staying near my place so she drove to my place and dropped me. Then she took a cab back. I think."

DROVE YOU BACK!!!!!!

I wasn’t even allowed to sit in the driver’s side and she gets to drive his car. Dammit! So, what does that make me?

               ******************************************************

This was just the beginning of them, making the rest history. They did not get to together ultimately. I was the factor. However, I was the first to take the step back. Thinking that she might be more suitable for him. Perhaps she will be able to bring more joy and laughter to him.

He wanted to back but a relationship is just like a mirror. When you break it and try bringing them back, cracks still remains. You can’t mend the cracks. These cracks will remain as the barrier between us. It will always remain as the imperfection of the relationship. 

Broke up with Ethan but things didn’t seem to end that way. Having spent so much time together, 7 years to be exact, it has became a habit that he is wherever I was. I would still call him when I feel like having company. We would still meet up every weekend and hang out with the gang. Everyone thought that we were an item.

Ethan and I were together since secondary school days. He was a quiet person whereas I was the chatty one. He had such patient that I’ve never seen him blew his top. Although he doesn’t talk much, he always made his presence felt.

I was one hell of a girl during the younger days. Knowing that he trusts me with all his heart and soul, he was not my one and only. Felt bad after a while, I’ve decided to break up with him. Instead of screaming at me, he held onto my hand gently.

"We can always talk this over. It is just a fling. So long you guys have broke up and that you promise not to do this again. I think we can make it."

I was so upset with myself. He was so nice to me yet I am doing all these to hurt him. We never talked about this issue and I promise him that it will never happen again.

Guessed promises were meant to be broken. After a while, I got together with this guy. I think I am falling in love again. Especially having facing the same person for the past 5 year.

Once again, I brought up the topic of breaking up. He was devastated. He was serving the army at that point of time. Wanted some much to come back to the island to sort this out with me but yet met with so much restrictions.

We never did break up thought. He waited patiently for me to have enough fun and return to him. I felt that I was treating him as a spare but I just can’t control my feelings. I thought he can’t live without me. I thought he would never leave me.

Never say never because never never comes.

The turning point came when he started working. They were just too many thing to distract him. New way of living. More friends of the opposite sex. Lesser time with me as I was also working.

Have you been in love and just lost it? All of a sudden or gradually… You may or may not love the person but it could just be someone that you are so used to. Or it could have been someone whom have always been by your side but you’ve forgotten their existence. They became a shadow and was taken granted of.

What happens when he/she leaves? Desperate they do silly things. At times, it may not be desperate but to lose. To lose to someone else, to lose to oneself, believing that he/she will never leave.

It hurts but overwhelm by all these emotions, they do stupid things.

For gals, sex is the only thing that can come to their mind. They will turn up at the guy’s place and try to "seduce" him. Thinking that after sex, he will go back to her. Hanging around his place after work. Finding out from his friends when he is and going down to look for him. Calling and texting him all day. Going to his place and waiting for him to come home. Forcing him to talk to me, forcing answers out of him. Even begging the other person to leave, if he found a new person.

Guys, they will be become exceptionally gentle and patience. In the past when we wanted them to pick us up after work or shopping, they will always come up with some excuses. But now, they will offer to go shopping with you, pick you up or wait for you at some cafe as you shop. Buying things that you always wanted or bringing you on the long awaited trip.

If you ever done or is doing these things, hopefully you’ll wake or never do it again.

If you’ve made the person so disappointed in the relationship, do you think by doing these things they will come back to you? Why not be there when they needed you in the first place?

Those were the days when they wanted to have dinner with you, shopping or just stopping for coffee. Cooked but you end up having dinner with friends. Waited up for you to return home and you came back drunk. Put up with your nonsense, screams, quarrel, unreasonable request, cold shoulder and infidelity.

Finally, they gave up. Given up on waiting, trying, accommadating as well as the great amount of disappointment.

Instead, having you hanging around can be quite a task. It could be a nuisance when you keep calling and texting to find out what we are doing and saying words of concern. The concern doesn’t mean anything or has any impact.

People around you will advise you or even scold you for being so stupid. But all their words will turn to deaf ear. All the energy in you is spent on trying to win the person back. You don’t care how much energy or money needs to be spent. One goal!

Ask yourself. What is it that you want. It is really not easy doing it. But try sitting down at a quiet corner and think. Ask yourself if you will be happy when the person goes back to you. What if they take you for granted? Will you be happy? Will things go back to normal and like before?

Always, love the person that loves you the most. Be with the person that wants to be with you the most.

People always says the person that you are married to, is not the person that you love the most. This may not be the reason. Instead, because the person that you can’t have, you feel that you love him/her more.

Everyone knows that it is more fortunate to be with someone that loves you more then you love him. But why not vice verse? Tell yourself, you love him so much because he loves you so much.

男人女人
女:爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回
我却还在等待着
谁能出现
男:伤伤伤伤了几回
也曾经为爱憔悴
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈
我却还是学不会
狠心对谁
女:男人男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼
男:女人女人
我答应做个好人
我答应用我一生
来换你的快乐一生
女:爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回
我却还在等待着
谁能出现
男:伤伤伤伤了几回
也曾经为爱憔悴
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈
合:我却还是学不会
狠心对谁
女:男人男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼
男:女人女人
我答应做个好人
我答应用我一生
来换你的快乐一生
女:男人男人
多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真
让我不必再心疼
男:女人女人
我答应做个好人
合:不会再让我(你)心疼
一等再等
你就是我等的那个人
男:男人男人
女:女人女人
合:多么希望你是对的人